Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Baby A

So my last post was in anticipation to a huge life change and somehow that change has come. Actually 6 weeks ago.
I outta post more often.
So before we were even licensed to foster I got an email asking if we'd take in a 9 month old baby boy. I said, (with my heart beating out of my chest thinking it's too soon) "sure, but we aren't licensed" they said they knew and we're working on it. That was a Thursday, the following Monday I had our licensing worker inspecting our home and meeting us, Tuesday we had our license and Wednesday we had baby A. in our homes stealing our hearts at first smile.
He wasn't an abused baby, he didn't come with lice or ringworm, he was actually Gerber baby squishy delicious and has a heart breaking smile that I know will tear us all apart.
What are we doing? How can I not ask myself that question every day as I rock him, feed him and stare into his almond shaped eyes. Every day that he throws a fit and demands the only cure is me holding him. Every moment he yells his sweet baby yell just because for 2 seconds our household isn't totally focused on him.
What are we doing?
Multiple times a day I am told by others "I could never do that, I would get too attached".
Funny thing is, we're attached. We are doing this and we are attached. Probably too attached. Like so many fear. We were attached the moment the doorbell rang and I opened the door and my heart and we were all goners.
We are all attached and he is attached to us.
In the past 6 weeks he has grown and learned so much.
In the past 6 weeks we have grown and learned so much.
I've learned about his parents. I have learned about a broken system. I have learned, even more so (?) just how important it is to advocate for children who have no voice.
I watch a lot of reality TV. My favorite is the Bachelor and Bachelorette. I've watched since Alex. If you know who that is fist bump.
As I watch that show I listen to them whine about how they hate to open up, how they don't want to get hurt and so many are sent packing because they didn't open up during a group date with 8 other girls vying for one dudes attention (ok maybe not the best example of where I am going) but the point is people sign up for this then refuse to give into the process because they are so scared to get hurt.
I don't like to get hurt. I am the most cautious person on the planet. I like fun as long as it's safe. But I can't refuse to do the things I am asked to do because I am afraid of the heart break I will experience. I can however refuse to jump out of a plane because I like my body in one piece.
Would we keep baby A if it came down to it? 100% without a shadow of a doubt! But his case plan is reunification and we respect that. We understand if his parents can show they want their child back and will take care of him the way he deserves then we will support that. That is what we signed up to do.
We are to be a safe harbor for the child while their parents get safe.
But our safe harbor has lots of feels though. It's not a place of robotic mechanics. It's full of hugs and kisses and giggles and snuggles. And unfortunately in living that way we are setting ourselves up to be hurt. We know our hearts will be broken. Does it make it easier? Maybe. Maybe if those contestants on the Bachelor went in saying I want to have fun, let my guard down and be prepared for the hard landing, maybe they wouldn't be in the limo sobbing that they will never love again because it hurts too much. (And PS they will try to love again when they are asked to be the next bachelorette OR get to be on Bachelor in Paradise and when those don't pan out they will go back to their old college flame, get married and have a few kids). So being prepared may help? I don't know.
I don't know anything. I just know for now we have baby A. in our home and in our lives and it has made our home a happier than it already was home.
I know that I pray and sometimes I have to remind myself to pray for the best outcome for him. Not for us. I pray for his parents. I want them to be safe and healthy. I also pray that if they can't be, let him stay with us. It's hard to remind myself to stay out of the lane of my own selfishness. Remind myself that we want the best for baby A. We want his life to be fulfilled with happiness and most importantly safety.
I constantly pray, "God you know us. You know our hearts. Protect us and guide us". It's all I can do when I find us in the middle of a big ocean and the waves are rocking us side to side. God placed us in this boat. He will hold our hands while we rock. He will comfort our fears so that we can enjoy the ride for as long as it takes.
I have no idea how this story will end so all I can say is to be continued....

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