Thursday, September 26, 2013

Camping - Nordy style

Our family is going to Camp Land in San Digeo tomorrow!
Yup! We are going to CAMP Land tomorrow.
I grew up camping. My job was to get in the car, defend myself from my siblings who started beating on me when they were done staring out the window, era 1980's, and play until the tent was up. Play, fish, hike until my food was made and I could eat it and to go back to fish, hike, play, then watch the tent go down and get back in the car and defend myself on the ride home.
So to say I consider a camping family vacation, with the family we made, camping does not fit in with the word vacation. To me vacation is beach, drinks, massages, shopping, dining out.
Vacation is not packing food, supplies to cook the food, bringing bedding and flashlights and heck, I don't even know what else we need. All I know is Andrew we spent $250 at Walmart yesterday and everything he we bought was silly. We got a coffee maker that makes cover over a fire. WE HAVE ELECTRICITY. But he says we are camping. I say let's have cereal for breakfast, that's more than they get now, and he says no we are having bacon and eggs cooked over a flipping fire.
And I am not even talking about the stuff we need for Lily. Medication, diapers, supplies, equipment. And then the not sleeping. Oh my. I am telling you I can get lost in a sea of my despair of all the things about this trip I do not want to do.
BUT I have some redeeming qualities here, I promise, I may have inner dialogue of a brat, but I promise I am not one on the outside.
I am fully supporting this trip. I am packing, loading, obsessing thinking, not going to things I want to go to (ie my writing workshop) so I can make this trip happen, etc.
I am actually excited about it because we will be in San Diego, hello my favorite place! There will be an ocean and we are going with our life group which is a group of people we all go to church with that meets twice a month and we "do life together". Our kids are all really good friends, we are all really good friends with a deep connection with each other and a love for Jesus. So I am pumped to be on the beach, in amazing weather, with incredible friends with my awesome family.
Honestly if I had my choice I would stay home with our dogs. I would send Andrew with the kids and stay home happily if he let me. But life isn't all about me and my wants and my comfort.
I am giddy for this trip because the memories we will make, the fellowship we will have, and not forget each moment that this life we have is a gift! Our life is so blessed. We are blessed beyond measure. We live in the country of freedom, we love a God we have every right to love with no suffering because of it. We eat what we want, when we want. We have the blessing to have friends who invite us, others who are willing to loan/rent us stuff to make the trip easier, and family who is willing to make sure our home and dogs are all safe and cared for.
I complain because it is in my DNA. I worry because it's ingrained in me to do so. I stress because I am easily overwhelmed. But I am also able to overcome those things that I do to myself. I am able to get over my silly issues and focus on the bigger picture and I am glad I can do this.
I made a promise to myself a few months back that fear will never make any decisions for me and I am holding true to that promise. You should have seen me a few weeks ago at Women's Retreat zip-lining and walking on a log probably 30 feet in the air. I have the video... maybe I should share old wobbly legged me.
So all this to say, we are going to Camp Land this weekend! We will have an amazing time with great people and our kids will play, bike, run, swim and they will eat and get taken care of and they will fight in the car and all this will be awesome ways to make memories, a wonderful way to spend their fall break!
But my next vacation there will be fruity drinks and no flashlights!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Precious girl took a fall....

I've been wanting to share what happened to Lily last week, but I guess not too much since I haven't.
It was an awful experience and sharing it really doesn't make me feel any better.
Last Sunday we were all ready for church, I had Lily showered, looking adorable and all strapped in her chair. That isn't all that common on a weekend. I am usually far more relaxed and have less straps on her, but last Sunday she had the full harness and all.
I was still getting Oliver's shoes on so Andrew takes Lily to load her up, and as I sit and talk to Oliver about how his feet have grown and he needs new shoes, I hear Andrew screaming "Kim!" "Kim!" I hear Lily making weird noises and in seconds I think, she having a seizure? Why is he yelling about a seizure? Then he opens the door, wheel is off her chair and her face is all bloody.WHAT?! I am trying to understand what is happening as he is yelling, she fell, her brakes, stupid chair, wheel.. all these words are flying around my brain but nothing is sticking. My baby is crying and bleeding. I run to get a wet towel and start to wipe her off and my tears just start falling. I am shaking, Andrew is shaking, I am crying and Andi Jane is bawling. We were all a wreck trying to clean her off. I take her out of the chair, take her to the floor, get her ice and really access the damages. It appears she has road rash on the side of her head and seemed to have bitten her lip, which is where all the blood was coming from.
She is acting fine, stopped crying and I start asking Andrew, what happened. He says he put on her brake, went to start the van and her chair just went down the driveway (inclined) and we have no ramp at the end of the driveway, just a large bump and baby girl just fell forward. The wheel came out on impact which I guess is why she went to the side more than face planted. I had asked Andrew to fix the brake (again) on Friday and he did, but it just kept coming loose. We were so mad. Mad at the chair, at the sidewalk. At ourselves.
It was the worst. I called neuro and they said we should take her to the ER for a CT just in case so I did. And she was fine. All checked out. And by the next day it was as if nothing happened... to her.
We were all scarred and damaged however.
We have one job with Lily and it is to keep her safe. We failed.
I took her chair in to be fixed the next day, they tightened the brake (again), but said she needs to have it replaced. But we just had her chair fixed not too long ago. It's something I wish they paid more attention to. Brakes. Kinda important.
Ugh. It was such a miserable experience. Andi Jane was just heart broken. Had horrible survivors guilt. I should have done this, not that. She just cried and cried and cried.
Oliver was so worried, he kept saying "sorry Lily". And when he saw the pictures of her after the fact he wanted to put them in the garbage bin. Kept saying "I don't want these pictures of Lily hurt".
And as I look back at that time, that moment our family was all huddled around Lily trying to clean her up, all praying for her to be OK I realize she is the one thing in our family that will always tie us. She will always be that thing/person that we all rally around. She is the one who makes our family, our family.
I thought about how I prepare for the worst of things to happen. I am told by too many doctors about the worst that can happen to not think about it, but I realize... there is no preparing. You can tell me it will rain, but until I feel the wet on my face I won't really believe it. My heart broke for her that day. A million little pieces of my heart all over our floor and although like many times before it has been picked up and put back together, I did realize a lot in that moment. God is always faithful and his protection is always covering us, I rarely harness her on a weekend and if she weren't harnessed she would have been way worse. And our family is a strong unit revolving around this beautiful girl. My other kids will do anything for Lily and I know that even when we have our fights and frustrations, the truth of their hearts is gold. And God so help this family if something really serious happens to our Lily girl. God help us all.

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