Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day

I know better than to put expectations on things. On people. I know better. But I do it anyway.
I think that is why I end up never really enjoying special days. I end up having better Mondays because I expect Monday’s to suck and when they don’t I’m happy.

But Mother’s Day, I don’t expect world peace, but I guess a little sanity would be appreciated. But it didn’t happen yesterday. The day started great, sweet gifts, lots of love and hugs, Andi Jane made chocolate chip pancakes that were really good. Andrew helped with the flipping, but otherwise she pretty much did them on her own and cleaned up. That was awesome! Church was good, I had to work in the baby room the next service and that was great. I had two girls snuggle on my lap the whole time. One fell asleep. If you know me you know I love holding sleeping babies. I was made to snuggle sleeping babies.

Then we get lunch with my family and that was nice too, but I was starting to get frustrated that Lily was on her about 5th seizure by then. And they just kept coming. It seemed like they were hitting every 30-60 min all day.

The kids fought in the van.

At home there was more fighting, more seizures, and then while dealing with one issue I hear Oliver screaming a pain cry and find him at the bottom of the stairs where he tumbled down to. I was so scared but he was ok. Scared, but ok.

Then Andi says while I am doing laundry “Mom, don’t stress, but I forgot I am star student this week and need a poster board of my life done by tomorrow morning” eek.

And Lily is still seizing this awful pattern so Andrew takes the kids to the store, I give Lily a klonopin that makes her finally rest and I sit on the couch and fold laundry and think what the heck. This sucks.
Did I mention my grandpa passed away on Friday? He was suffering with COPD and I know he is now with Grandma and their daughter Karen, but it was still a shock, as death always is, so sudden and final.  I guess shoving it down to deal with the rest of my crazy life kinda caught up and I was sad. I was upset, I was scared, I was overwhelmed and I was also happy that day.

As I sit and fold laundry, and wipe my tears I reflect on everything and I realized all these emotions are what make life, life. What makes us moms. We can want to strangle a kid one moment and in the next second want to hug and kiss them. We experience peaks and valleys often on the same day and we work harder than we ever imagined, we love deeper than we thought was ever possible and we feel like failures more often than not.

So while I sat feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't getting the Mother’s Day I expected in my head, I was experiencing motherhood in the way only we mothers know how to experience it. So yeah it was Mother’s Day. It was a heck of a one. I’d like one with massages, champagne and being all alone, but those days will come. Yesterday was Mother’s Day in its truest form and by golly why would I not experience it just like that? We survived it, I survived it. I will have more, God willing, and I know and trust that I experience days like this so when an unexpected super awesome Monday happens, I know how awesome it really is.

Oh did I mention my night ended with my dog biting me? Yup, that happened.

Lord please keep reminding me that expectations only end up ruining what precious gifts you have for us. Thank you for my abundance of blessings that fill my life. Keep my attitude right and my heart in line and thank you for loving me the way you do. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

It's a Drag Getting Old

I’m getting old. Not in, I need to find a place for assisted living, I am just coming to terms that High School was a lot longer of a time ago than I think it was. I’m the baby of my family so I really am not allowed to even say this out loud. They say oh you’re just a baby. Wait til your 40.. 50…60.. But even when I get to 40 they will say wait til your 50… there is no winning. But what I am learning is that I am getting older. A few signs have crept up on me lately. I am only 34, but I have had 3 kids and I think somewhere there is a golden rule about each kid aging you by something, I think something like dog years… then add all the time we spent in the hospital with Lily and time spent worrying about her and you know I am about up to 80 life years.

OK in all seriousness I just think the signs of my age are finally starting to hit.

For example… no sneeze is safe. Jumping is not safe. Even if you are in jump rope competitions pretending to be much younger than you actually are. Not safe. If you don’t get this, you will.

Crying happens. Like all the time. It doesn’t matter what I am doing something will make me cry.

All those goofy faces I make when speaking causes wrinkles on my forehead. One big crease that is there indefinitely, unless I get Botox, but then I can’t talk with goofy facial expressions any more… wait… that might not be a bad idea.

Zits. Yup I still got em. But I am thinking it is the amount of grease I produce that keeps me from having too many wrinkles so 15 year old me… quit whining. It’ll pay off. Just stop making those goofy facial expressions.

The expression “youth is wasted on the young” makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW. And you find yourself mumbling it often.

Alcohol, it’s not for a fun night out, it a glass of wine and the remote control after the kids have gone to bed.

And fun nights out. They last til 9pm.

Your weight. The metabolism you bragged about all your life just turned its back on you.

Your mom. She was right about everything.

As I think about all the changes I have made over the years I like to think they have bettered me, humbled me for sure. As for those kids that cause the wrinkles and stress break outs and alcohol dependence (just kidding). They have made me learn to love deeper, to try harder, to worry more and trust God so much better. They have molded me more than I have them I think. And I look back at my mom who molded me and taught me and annoyed me and I think she was right. I should have moisturized every night. I should drink more water. Stand taller. Smile always. Pray hard. Entertain others. Listen to others. Share my thoughts and feelings without regret. Be honest. Understand all points, but stand firm on my own. Care for others, but learn to care for myself.

We all get older. If you don’t well then you die. So although there are many things that can annoy us, make us feel defenseless against it, we also get wiser, we understand deeper, we see things differently. I wouldn’t go back to 20 if you paid me. I’d like my old body, but certainly not the girl inside who had no clue who she was. I still lack confidence in myself. I lack faith in doing things right, but I have come a long way and I pray that I will continue to grow and age gracefully. And I know if I am letting God steer this ship of life we will get where we need to be.

PS not one grey hair yet. Boom!

Happy Mother’s Day to all! To those who have loved someone from the moment they were in your arms, biological or not. To those who taught, who prayed for and loved children, Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to my friends, my sister, my sister in laws, Grandma Betty, my aunts, my mother in law, and my mom! I hope we all get what we want! (ps a massage and a morning where you get them all up and ready while I sleep, or play candy crush, I think we all know who that was for)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Eye's Have It

For 7 years Lily has been on Sabril. She was on it before it was called Sabril. We used to call it Vigabitrine. We used to have to get it from a Canadian pharmacy, it wasn't FDA approved for many years.
Now that it is legal here it is cheaper for us to get (ie insurance covers it) BUT the process to get it is exhausting. Eye Dr. every three months and if you miss that appointment you don't get your meds. Even if you missed the appointment because you had a funeral to attend in another state and the Dr is so busy it takes you three months to make up for that missed appointment... you still don't get you meds. And your child almost ends up in the hospital for going cold turkey off the med ... you don't get the med til you see the eye doctor. And we have been seeing this same doctor for probably close to 8 year now. He is wonderful and thorough and I have sent every friend his way (well that needs to see a pediatric ophthalmologist duh). And trust him with Lily's eyes as I have never trusted anyone else. And yes we have seen a few other doctors regarding her eyes. He is the best. Today was another one of these gotta do appointments. One of those you spend over an hour there, she gets dilated and you watch your son play with every single toy in the place. And your phone. And your shoe laces. Ha like I wear shoes with laces. I live in Arizona. But he would have I am sure. But my point is it is a pain. An appointment that is just an obligation.
But today was different. Lily passed out because she had a huge tonic clonic right before she saw the doctor, but they were still able to dilate her eyes and he checked her with his bright light and special little magnifying glass just like always... but today he said... "she is showing damage" What???? He says it is minimal but if it is worse in 3 months she has to come off the medication. The one medication that I had ever seen any real positive results in. For real???
Lily needs what eye sight she has. She can't keep taking this med if she has damage. She is showing damage. This blows.
All I can do is pray. And whatever will be, will be.
If she needs to get off the med I pray for a good escape route.
This road we travel is bumpy and unpredictable. It's messy and frustrating.
But at least we know this is the road we are on, we know we are heading in the right direction and we know God is leading the way. The rest I guess we just put on our seat belts and see where it takes us.
Pray for Lily, for her eyes, for her seizures, and maybe for her mama.

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