Monday, August 27, 2012

A Different View

Life has been a tangled mess leaving me feeling unable to stop and able to take a full deep breath. First Lily ran out of her medication, and no one was working with me to resolve the issue. It was one of the perfect storms of disaster where a number of things weren't done and the end result was Lily off a med she has been on for YEARS, cold turkey. It was a ROUGH two weeks. And me in all my non confrontational ways was on the phone with hands shaking and yelling at someone who finally tired of me and got meds from Maryland to my door step in Chandler, AZ in less than 12 hours. I'd hate to see that bill. It was something that never should have happened. She was also out of diapers. I was never home long enough to be able to do laundry and everyone (with the exception of me and a victoria secrets problem) out of underwear. I figure if everyone bought underwear like I did, I really could do laundry a lot less often. Then add my responsibilities I carry as an employee, a wife, the one who is trying to get everything on everything about anything I have ever done in my life and add the paper trail to the underwriter for the loan for the new house, a board member, a friend, a MOM, hello. I was wrecked. So in over my head. The thoughts of everything I had to do and the actual time I had to do those things didn't match up. And I also felt when you have a million things to do nothing is good. It's all crap because your focus isn't on any one thing. It is a not a good feeling to realize everything you are supposed to do is going to crap. So I had a poor me moment. And although I really am not a "list" person per se like for my daily activities, I am learning nothing is impossible if I just list it out. Put them in by priority and I can only look at one thing at a time. If I see the whole list, forgetaboutit, but one by one I can do it. Like one day at a time. I totally get that whole mantra.
But we all have our days, weeks, months, when life gets overwhelming. I know I am not unique in this. I just hate who I become when I can't handle it. I'm trying to take care of one thing and this other thing is like "look at me, look at me" and I ignore one for the other. I am so focused on worry about Lily and her ending up in the hospital over missing her medication that I am like on pin prick away from deflating all over the house.
Just last week our pastor made mention about watching our kids when the whole "watch me" is insisted upon. And I am not kidding, I can be in the middle of feeding Lily and hear out of two mouths "watch me mom" "watch ME mom". I look and they are doing a flip from the padded ottoman to the padded couch. I wonder what am I supposed to say, yay you didn't break your neck this time. But after hearing that from the pastor and I know he said a whole lot of other things but I obviously was convicted on this one point because it is all I can remember. Watch me. Watch me. Watch ME. And I do. I watch, then look away and am scolded to watch it again. And in that moment I realize I am annoyed and want to fold my laundry, do the dishes, feed Lily, whatever task I am doing more than watch Oliver take a car and wind it back and watch it move forward. But feeling this conviction I have been trying to take more notice. I make sure my eyes are on his when he looks up to see if I am indeed watching him and the smile on his face, the satisfaction of being seen if worth those seconds I would have folded a towel in. And this just had to be the one thing I am working on when I take Lily to the eye Doc and see in front of my own eyes another mom go through this issue. A beautiful young mom sits with her two boys in the waiting room, her one son has his hair gelled to perfection with his stylish outfit plays with a truck, her other son, equally as handsome and dressed for success had his arms missing from elbow on and his legs from knee on. The little guy pointed as he knew how to a toy across the room and a little girl brought it to him without a second of doubt. The mom sat with her son as she tries to help him maneuver this new toy. They are working hard as I see her other son saying "mire mama" "mama" "mire" he must have said in spanish look mom at least 5 times. And she never looked. Never. And I am NOT getting down on this mom. I am not. I have been this mom. I have not looked. I have probably not even heard the request. But I saw the hurt on this precious boys eyes and I saw Oliver. I saw Andi Jane. I saw hurt eyes who want their mom to see something important to them. I was crushed watching this. I wanted to tell her to look at her son, but what right did I have to do so? I just sat there sad. I realized this was a learning moment for myself. I actually got an outside view of my inside and I didn't like it and now I know what I have to do to right it. I will watch. I will see what is important to them.
I know it isn't easy being a sibling to a special needs child. I have to remember each and everyone of them is their own sweet person and I have to remember that they need us. They need US to see what is important to THEM.
But I did tell them if I watch them break their arm doing flips off the couch, I am not taking them to the hospital.


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