Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009 will be remembered by Lily missing her two front teeth. Andi Jane exclaiming "this is a dream come true" when she was riding the princess bike Grandma and Grandpa D got for her and taking advantage of my love bug baby boy having no clue what Christmas was and only getting him 3 little gifts.
He got gifts from all our family members as well so I shouldn't have gotten him anything :)
He was so cute though with these little soft cars he got from his aunt and uncle. He crawls around and he rolls the cars with him. Amazing how boys are just ingrained to love cars and girls to love baby dolls.
Relying on construction for your paycheck during this recession is not fun business and it was the littlest we had to work with this year regarding gifts, but no one cared or noticed. The kids were happy, Santa even managed to find the dumb zue zue pet hamster, I'm pretty sure he found it via Ebay ;) But we were all happy and I am pretty certain we have made memories for our kids (well the ones who can remember) and that is most certainly what matters.
Happy New Year my friends. Let's hope 2010 is far better than 2009. Although getting my love bug baby boy outta 2009 was really the sweetest thing to have happened, there were some sad losses this year and life changing decisions made. It was not a year we look back and say that was a great year, but it was an important one and we are better people for having bad years and taking better notice of the good years. I am certain good things are to come 2010.
Tons of December pix uploading on flickr :)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Turn the music up, it’s Christmas.
I love Christmas time. I love the music, the chill in the air (note AZ chill, not that ridiculous weather most of you deal with), getting the perfect gift…I don’t think I have done as good of a job at it as I typically do, I blame this solely on Oliver and intend on being back in the swing of things hopefully by next year. But regardless of being ready or not, I love the whole month of December. I have a birthday 6 days prior to Christmas so it really feels like it is one fun thing on top of the next and it doesn’t end until Jan 1st, so no I don’t just like Christmas, I love December.
One of my favorite things is Christmas music. I know it is corny, but I have never claimed to be anything but corny. I can only get away with it about a week leading up to Christmas with Andrew in the car, but if you are riding with me and it is December buckle up and turn it up…fa la la la la la la la la. Or for you Christmas Story fans (and who isn’t?) Far ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra.
With this Christmas post I am sharing with you my three favorite songs of this season.
In no particular order, these are the three songs I will indefinitely listen to either just going to the store or going to the mountains. These songs Andi can sing and I’m sure Lily and Oliver know them too; they just can’t sing them along….yet.
These are as follows and of course in no particular order:
1.) Santa Baby. And only the original will do, by Eartha Kitt. If Madonna’s version shows up on the radio with that Brooklyn accent she is turned right off. What song is more fun for us girls to sing? Who doesn’t want to karaoke that in a sexy santa dress. You know you all WANT to do it, this I know. “Slip a sable under the tree, for me” “Been an angel all year”
2.) Baby, it’s cold outside. There are several versions of this song I enjoy. The original is probably the best, but I will always still hold a candle for Nick and Jessica and I still think they will get back together, because they really ought to. So because I probably was the only human who really enjoyed their Christmas special they did many years ago, I choose the duet they did to Baby it’s cold outside. The banter back and forth is really very cute.
3.) Mary did you know just about any version will do. I’ve always enjoyed the Wynonna Judd and Kenny Rogers version, but lately I’ve really been liking the Clay Aiken one. The song was just a song until Christmas 2002 when I was holding my own sleeping child in my arms and I listened to those words, really listened to those words, it hit me. I could feel what I could only imagine what Mary felt. Loving this tiny creature with a love you have never imagined before. Every mom thinks my baby can be anything he/she wants, and Mary was no different. She knew what the angels told her, she knew that her baby would save our world. But in that moment, the moment he was in her arms as she sat there and held him, watched him breath those tiny baby breaths, marveled in his sweet smell amongst the other smells that weren’t as sweet in that stable, as she kissed his sweet head she wasn’t thinking this is the son of God, she thought this is my son. Yet as the song so eloquently puts it, “when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God. Oh Mary did you know.” Do I think Mary knew? No. I think Mary just knew what all we new moms know. This baby right here in my arms will save my life. And she was right. .
Merry Christmas my friends and family! I pray we never forget why we celebrate this blessed day. I too get caught up in the excitement, the gifts, Santa and it is all fun, but if we ignore the whole reason this holiday was set upon we will be missing out on the most important gift of all.
Much love from our family to yours.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Jouney 2 Anger

There is a movie that will always be one of my all time favorites. I think I was 10 or 11 and I saw it in the theater with my mom, aunt and sister, which is funny since they are who I often still see movies with, and it was the first time a human death made me cry. Sure I cried when Harry had to go back where he was from and when Benji had to leave those baby cubs… sob…. But when Sally Field yelled “I’m FIIIIIINNNNEEEE!!!!!!!” I was in tears. At 10 I really didn’t understand much about loss. Hell, much about life. But I knew that was sad.
As I got older I rented the movie often and I could relate to more and more. The movie is a celebration of women. The deep relationships we need to function. An honest picture of how seasons and relationships change. I doubt anyone needs to know what I am talking about “the colors and blush and bashful” “the colors are pink and pink”. Steal Magnolias.
I still watch the movie and I sob. I know I am not the only one. There is that scene, THE scene where Sally Field had just buried her only daughter and she yells “I’m FIIINNEE! I could run to Texas and back, but my daughter can’t she never could.” Then sob. After that your heart aches. You believe that Sally Field has really just lost her daughter, because she is just that amazing (yes we really do like you!), but your heart feels trampled for her. You ache for her. Thankfully she had the group of friends she had to pull her out even if just for a moment to laugh, to break the tension. “Here hit her”.
But that moment, the one before the laugh, the one where Sally is yelling I’m FIIIINNNEE, you can feel her anger. An anger that is so deep from within if consumes your entire soul.
Anger is where I spent about 2 years of my life.
With a smile on my face and attending church weekly, I hated God. Who else could I blame? He was the one I spent my entire life praying to. Talking to. Confessing to. And he hands me this broken child for my first born? I can’t tell you how in the beginning I begged him. I pleaded with him. I got on my knees until the bruised. Yet when I got up, my daughter was still having seizures. She was still just laying there with no head control. I pretended that this was all ok, and honestly sometimes it was ok. I didn’t have as much of a problem with the physical handicaps Lily was showing, it was the seizures. I felt that the seizures were why she couldn’t see, why she couldn’t roll over, why she couldn’t ever just look me in the eye. I just thought if we could just stop these seizures life will change for her, but they never stopped.
Medication after medication, crazy ketogenic diet, VNS implant and when worse can to worse, brain surgery. All things I put all my hope in and all things that just crashed and burned. How many times can a person fall and get back up? One time Lily was in a large grand mal seizure and I was swiping her with the VNS magnet trying to make it stop but it wouldn’t, she just continued to seize, so I took that magnet and threw it across the room with all my might and said F-you God. F-you. Anger. So. Much. Anger.
I remember going to the mall with Lily, (because retail therapy is my friend) she was about a year, and we walk past a little girl in her stroller about the same age and the mom smiled at me and her little girl was holding a toy and looked up and smiled at me and I didn’t smile back. Who doesn’t smile at a mom and her baby? An angry person that’s who. I was so angry that my baby was reclining in her chair because she couldn’t sit up and she couldn’t hold a toy if I taped it in her hand. Anger. Anger consumed me.

**Leaving this like this is killing me; you readers know I tend to end light. Usually little words of wisdom, some cliché, or something ridiculous that has nothing to do with what I was talking about. I really want to continue my story, but I am not going to. I am doing this in stages and this was the ugliest one. The one I look back the most ashamed of, but you cannot appreciate the good without experiencing the bad. (ha I did it anyway….)**

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Nandi Jane

While most kids would love being lazy in their pajamas, not my Andi, Andi likes to have a naked day over pajama day any day.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Journey 1 Realization

**I was up early and I had an idea, maybe it won't be so good this afternoon, but I'm hitting publish post anyway. I want to go back, especially with those who recently found/met me, I want to show the stages I have gone through personally in my journey with acceptance with Lily. It's been a long road and this is the begining**

I was holding my 7 week old daughter after yet another seizure. I was sitting on my bed in our 2 bedroom one bath little house in Mesa, AZ. The one with the bright red dining room and huge back yard we planned our daughter playing in. I was holding her and the thought dawned on me like a light bulb being switched on. After two hospital stays and one separate ER visit it dawned on me and I got shivers from my head to my toes. It’s her brain. It’s her brain. It’s her brain. How did I not connect that seizures were from her brain, I don’t know. My age, I was only 23. My inexperience? The fact that the last thing you want wrong with your child is their brain? Maybe that was it. If it was her heart that would be tough, but there are meds, there are surgeries. The child still has their words. Their personality. Being her brain means loosing everything I planned on. At that moment I lost everything. I lost tea parties. I lost sleep overs. I lost fights over boyfriends. I lost watching her walk down the aisle. I lost it all. And then I lost it. Looking back those first couple years were so dark. Her first Christmas we tried to be happy. We tried to have fun but I remember her having 4 large grand mals that day. I put on a happy face and pretended like it was all meant to be, but my insides were crashing down.
I didn’t know at 7 weeks how involved Lily would be with her condition, but I knew enough to know the child I planned for was gone. And the light in my heart was shut off.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Winter wonderland

Man, seriously. I think I like facebook so much because my status updates are like a one sentence blog and let’s face it that is all I have time for these days.
I really have no time. But since I am here and Oliver is napping (although he went down 1 hr 45 min ago and he’ll be up any minute, but I had to get laundry done and the floors mopped for the millionth time this week. I am pretty sure whoever said that having a dog lowers your blood pressure, did not have my dogs) I'll get to posting.
Last week we went to “The North Pole Experience” up in Greer. A friend of mine came up with her family and stayed in my parent’s rental next door. We had a great time! It was so much fun! The kids loved the experience. It was visiting the north pole and helping the elves making toys for kids that are less fortunate (read the kids whose parents didn’t really feel like paying a million dollar for this experience) we got to ride in a trolley and sing carols, we went to Santa’s workshop which was brilliantly made, it was very authentic looking. They kids made toys went got to “elf school” and sat with Santa. They did a great job making the experience wheelchair friendly and treated Lily like a rock star. She didn’t get to ride on the trolley b/c it was too cold to take her in and out of her chair and there was no where to put her chair but since we had our van Andrew just followed us so I didn’t think it was a huge deal, but some may have been upset about that. I don’t usually get bothered by things like that.
On Monday we had to drive home and that was an experience like no other. Andrew went back early to get back to work and I drove back with the kids in the van. Andrew insisted I drive back a way that I hate and I refused. He said I would beat the storm going the way he suggested and I refused. Well a blizzard came and I fish tailed once and I slid all the way across the road to the other side of the road by the guard rail (we were in the mountains) and Andi cries I’m scared mommy. I say “NO ONE TALK!!!” and for about an hour I drove praying and saying “Jesus take the wheel” I wanted to pull over to cry, but had I done that we would have been in thicker snow and totally stuck. I knew if I cried while driving I wouldn’t be able to see so that wasn’t an open. It was an intense hour and when we finally hit Payson and it was just rain I thanked God we made it. The drive home from Payson would have been scary had I not just driven through a blizzard. It was a huge down pour through the mountains, but I felt like Jeff Gordon after all that so I was cool. When I got home and told Andrew my story all he said was “you really should have gone the way I told you.” Sigh.
Back to school and the week was pretty normal. Although I had a mole taken off and checked out a couple weeks ago and they called to say it was abnormal and I had to have it removed surgically. I was a little surprised by how big of an incision it was but by the sounds of things it was on its way to being precancerous so I am grateful I got it taken care of sooner than later. I have another one on my back I have to have the same thing done this Thursday the 17th. Gotta get this stuff done before my insurance changes and specialist visits go from $25 to $50!
I also had a root canal this week. And Oliver had his flu booster. He didn’t flinch again. Tough dude!
Oliver is saying Andi, I swear it to be true. He says dada and it seems to be directed toward Andrew and all I get are big tears and followed around if he is not in my arms constantly. He is also learning pointing gets him what he wants so maybe he’ll never talk. He can stand but refuses, he is scared to let go of anything and prefers to crawl. After crawling for over 5 months now he’s developed quite the calloused knees.
Lily is well. She is going through a phase of not wanting to eat, but she is fine otherwise so who knows what that is all about.
Andi Jane is Andi Jane. Not a lot new to share. Last night I took the girls to see The Princess and the Frog and that was a lot of fun. The girls seemed to really like it and it was the first time Andi made it through a movie, kind of. It only took 4 years and 9 months. I can’t wait for the ADD diagnosis.
Baby is up, no time to proof read so don’t judge or I’ll take twice as long next time to update.
Oh BTW the pix from last weekend are on the right, on flickr. :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

It's the most craziest time of the year

Yawn…back to reality and yawn…
I cannot believe it is Thursday December 3, 2009! I mean, really?! I never get to update this thing because there are just not enough hours in the day, really there aren’t.
Oliver has been getting up in the middle of the night again. Lily’s diaper leaked last night. Yawn. Then Andi and Oliver woke up before 6 am yet Lily I had to wake up at 7:15am to get her on the bus by 7:40am. The one kid who needed to be up was snoring away. Go figure.
Enough complaining…Lily is doing well. She got over her cold and gave it to me. Oliver had one at the same time as her so it is no shocker they gave it to their mama, but although it was fierce, it was short so that was good.
Andi is doing well and loving school. The beef with little “Mary” has totally blown over. Thank God.
Lily had a half day today but her nurse was able to come so I am able to get some stuff done around they house while Oliver naps. Getting stuff done around the house is code for catch up on blog, emails, some work and facebook. Got it!
Oh he is now up. That little guy… he is so cute. I love this age, he’ll be 10 months on Saturday and he is just so cute and funny. He has such a personality! He is clapping now, waving bye bye and yelling for Andi when I do. That is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen. Well the kid falling at Sonic dropping the food tray was really funny too, but I’ll choose Oliver yelling at Andi for the funniest Alex.
I posted new pictures on Flickr, check em out.
I’ll post again before the end of the year ;)

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